Why is it that I get some strong desire, pray over it, the doors open, I even hear You say yes, this is what You have for me, and then when the moment of fruition comes, I suddenly don’t want it anymore?
Not only do I not want it, but I’m sure it’s a bad idea. It’ll mess up what I already have. It’ll put me in a place I don’t really want. I thought I wanted it, but now that reality is staring me in the face, I don’t.
I don’t just not want it, I want to trash the whole thing completely. So much so that I wonder if You have it to me in the first place. Surely it was just my idea and You let me play it out to a certain point. Now that it’s ready to happen, I see it plainly: this isn’t for me.
But when I really examine myself, I’m not necessarily feeling like it isn’t for me. I’m feeling like I don’t want it. Nevermind, Lord, this isn’t really what I want. I thought it was, but not now. Not anymore. My mistake.
Let’s just keep things as they are.
Things are good like this. No need to change them.
And now the bell goes off! Ding! Ding! Ding! I don’t want things to change!
Why not? Yes, things are good now, but don’t I want more? Don’t I want the next step? To experience all You have for me, even if it’s just a small thing? I want all that, right?
So what part don’t I want? What is it about this change that I don’t want?
I think, maybe, that it now that the moment of fruition has arrived, I see that the potential for disaster is as great as the potential for success.
All that time of preparation, all that time of prayer, all that time of experiencing Your leading, I was sure that this new thing would work out in the best possible way.
And now that it’s here, I see all the potential pitfalls. And I don’t want it.
Of course I don’t want the pitfalls. But am I willing to risk them for the good? For the possibility that it’ll be everything I’ve dreamed about? Everything I’ve hoped for?
I guess I’ve been around long enough to know that nothing turns out exactly as I’ve envisioned it. So even if it does ultimately work out in what I define as a good way, I’m libel to experience a few disappointments along the way.
But is that worth throwing it all away? It may not be or end how I’ve imagined, but it is the path You’ve led me on. Should I turn back because I’m scared? Because I might have heard You wrong? Because Your end may look different than mine?
You told me to go forward in all I do. You have more for me.
So I will go forward. Disaster or amazing success, or somewhere in between, You are with me.
You’ve brought me, led me to this threshold. I will take the step across. And if I freeze, shove me over it, Lord. Drag me. Do whatever it takes to get me to take this step. To see the fruition of all You have for me.
The Lord reigns! He will not be moved. He never changes!
